Until that Day comes - when the complete fulfillment of what Jesus has done by living, suffering, dying, being buried and then rising again to new life - we, you and me, are part of a broken world that includes heartaches and pain, depression and depths, fears and failures... and I want that mess to be over - NOW!
Yes, this post is an honest reflection of my impatience and desire to control.
I recently met up with someone who I really respect, admire and love as a fellow Christian leader.
They are suffering, and I detest that.
Let me be clear - I accept that they are frail and fallen as I am, and I am "FOR" them.
What I am not "for" is the darkness that holds them, that pulls them down, that disturbs their well-being and threatens their mind and their family.
I feel overwhelmed when I hear of another whom the 'Black Dog' has curled up with.
I feel powerless and helpless as I pray for my friends and family, and - for myself.
I rage against the shackles of sickness which those I love carry through daily tasks of living... but sometimes they do not and cannot carry that weight any longer, and they sit down and cannot "go on".
And I cry...
As I reflected on this the other night, a poem came.
My tears of rage - what are they about?
Truthfully, they are about me and my own fears and fragility.
They are about my longing and desire for Jesus to "make all things new", and my frustration that the Day is not yet come!
So, I write this as a simple, broken person who cries to Jesus for wholeness, and for grace.
For I too have been to the depths. And I have sat in silence with others when they have been there.
My prayer is to be helpful and not self-centred when I face the 'Black Dog' of my fellow humans' dark days.
What are those tears for -
Tears of rage?
What are those tears for -
Tears of a sage?
What do you know?
Wanna make it "right"?
What do you know
In the middle of the night?
Don't know nothin'
Don't know shit,
When the Black Dog comes
And I have to quit -
Have to quit it all
Try to take control
Try to climb back up
From the depths of my soul
What are those tears for -
Tears of rage?
What are those tears for -
Tears of a sage?
What do you know?
Wanna make it "right"?
What do you know
In the middle of the night?
Don't know whether and
Don't know when,
If I can succeed -
Can I make it again?
Can I still be bothered?
Can I still be brave?
Can I still remember that you
Want to save
Me? Now that I'm lonely
And now that I'm 'bad',
Now I'm in this hole -
And it makes YOU sad!!!
What are those tears for?
What do they mean?
Once you came in friendly,
Once you came in keen;
Now you shy away
That the Black Dog's here;
Now you think you know
What it is to fear!!!
What are you thinking?
What's in my head?
Gonna get a big gun,
Shoot the Black Dog dead????
Once for the cousins,
Once for the wife,
Once for the brothers,
For the waste of a life;
Once for the lostness in the trees of the wood,
Once for the moments when you thought you could.
Twinkle, twinkle little star...
Tears of rage for the pain and the scar
That festers on the skin of our life,
That blisters near the blade of a knife.
What are those tears for?
What do you know?
In the depths of darkness,
In the smothering snow,
In the sweat of bitterness,
In the blinding heat,
In the frozen wasteland,
In the that ways I cheat
Death every moment
When the Black Dog come
When it settles in my
Mind and my home.
Tears of anger, tears from my soul,
Tears for the horror of the uncontrol -
For the love of people
Who I long to see
Be free from the darkness
And indignity
Of the Black Dog biting
And gnawing their soul -
I wanna see renewal and
Their lives made whole.
That's what the tears are:
Tears of my soul,
Tears for the horror of my uncontrol.
(C) JCVandersee 26 Feb 2019
